It’s that time of year… where you spend uncomfortable time with family members that you never actually talk to who haven’t had a meaningful conversation with you since you were five years old! Even then, that conversation centered around your love of play-doh. So… not exactly deep. And if you identify as LGBT, the conversations get even weirder. So in honor of the holiday season, I have a drinking game to deal with your awkward family (and mine.) DON’T WORRY, ALLIES. You can also play this game. Just stick by your gay cousin Johnathan and drink whenever he does.
Every time you hear a certain phrase, take a drink! Not a drinker? You can replace each one of these drinks with a slice of pie, some nonalcoholic egg nog, or cocaine! No wait, I’m kidding about the cocaine. Pass the pie please.
Phrase #1: “You know, my cleaning lady/attorney/hairdresser/accountant/gardener is gay.”
The drink that goes with this phrase: Mix one cup regular coffee with one shot of Bailey’s, garnish with a peppermint stick. Don’t use decaf… it’s going to be a long brunch.
Phrase #2: “What’s your friend’s name?” MY FRIEND I’VE BEEN LIVING WITH FOR FOUR YEARS AND WE HAVE TWO DOGS TOGETHER AND ARE CLEARLY LIVING IN DELICIOUSLY GAY SIN?! THAT FRIEND?!
The drink that goes with this phrase: Mix one bottle of champagne with a splash of OJ. Chug from the bottle.
Phrase #3: “Whatever happened to ____, your ex [of the opposite sex]? He/she was so great.”
The drink that goes with this phrase: Bourbon on the rocks… make it a strong pour. It’s your uncle’s good bourbon and he doesn’t need that much. He’s already plastered.
Bonus round: If they keep in touch with said ex and show you pictures of the two of them on a fishing trip. For that, double the bourbon pour.
Phrase #4: “I’m so glad you brought your… buddy… to dinner.” It’s even better if someone says this in FRONT of your partner.
The drink that goes with this phrase: Vodka out of the bottle. Cut out the middle man (the middle man = the glass and the ice.)
Phrase #5: “When are you getting married?” This is an annoying question no matter WHAT your sexual orientation or gender identity. Because it’s ridiculous.
The drink that goes with this: Water. Because if you get too drunk, you will cause a physical altercation.
These are just a few of the gems you can expect this holiday season. I consider myself lucky in that all my family does over the holidays is toast champagne flutes in front of Christmas trees:
LOOK AT HOW GOOD LOOKING WE ALL ARE. Okay… that’s not my family, but we really are very good looking as a whole. Seriously, ya’ll… I consider myself lucky to have a family to go home to at all. I realize that not everyone is so lucky. So remember to hug your great aunt after she calls your partner your roommate, and pour an extra glass of merlot for your second cousin who insists on asking if you know every gay person in your hometown (which you do, of course.) Because at the end of the day, when you crawl into bed, you are still f*&^ing fabulous no matter what anyone says. Happy Holidays.