Yes, I saw The Vow last night.
Yes, it was by my own accord.
Yes, I was sober.
And yes, now YOU get to hear about it.
I have to give credit to the advertisers who handpicked the previews for this ultimately deceptive chyck flick (a combination of the word “chick” and dyke” since we were the only ones in the theatre). Yes, there were typical previews, like a new romantic comedy starring Steve Harvey with seventeen other actors twenty years his junior. But then the powers that be did something incredible… they threw in a cat food commercial where a man actually proposes to a woman with a fucking kitten who has a charm on his neck that says, “Will you marry us?” Cut to a beautiful, waspy outdoor wedding, where the cat is sitting on the mother of the bride’s lap. Okay, MAYBE I could buy this if the man had the collar around his neck and the couple was into S&M, but really? And also, you brought your cat to an outdoor wedding?! All it takes is one mangy raccoon to turn Jinxy into a lifeless pile of guts and fur.
What makes this commercial so on point is that these advertisers know their audience. Hey girl, are you single and alone? Do you have a cat or maybe three? Enjoy the movie, a circlejerk of female emotions where every sweet and wonderful act a man could do, Channing Tatum will do (usually shirtless). Fall in love with another fictional man. Yea, go ahead and finish that second box of Snow Caps, girl. You deserve it.
And directly following the cat food commercial? An ad for Titanic 3D. I was crying before the movie even started. (And as a side note, Titanic is a much better love story because Jack Dawson doesn’t survive to constantly disappoint Rose with immature stunts and infidelity. Oops, spoiler alert, the ship also sinks.)
I didn’t dislike the movie, on the contrary, Tatum’s abs inspired me to go home last night and do fifty crunches with a picture of Rachel McAdams sitting on my stomach making her perfect cry face, but the plot was too weak to walk. McAdam’s character has amnesia and doesn’t remember her husband. She is very disappointed he doesn’t wear khakis or drives a Volvo and tries to gets over it while crying about every ninety seconds. Poor her! She’s beautiful and thin and rich. I have the SAME problems. Does she eventually take back her man who can pull off a denim shirt better than a Brokeback Jake Gyllenhaal?! You will just have to spend the $9.50 yourself or give me the $9.50 and I will tell you over lunch.
And if you need anything for the next three hours, I’ll be doing sit ups. Thanks, Tatum, for making us all look bad.