It’s here… Pride month. Weeks on weeks of binge drinking, aggressive brunching and watching parades in the sweltering heat. We are literally in the gay thick of it. And with Columbus Pride right around the corner, I would like to bestow some wisdom on you from the only deity I would ever care to make a golden replica of and worship on a mountain… the Queen B, Mrs. Beyoncé Knowles-Carter.
I have followed B’s career from the beginning, when I was just a hairy-kneed middle schooler looking for my own voice…and a good sandwich. Her words of encouragement and self-preservation will help you survive this Pride season and come out the other side beaming, like you took a bath in rainbow glitter and Purell. Navigating any Pride weekend is tough, but the risk of seeing your ex in too near of a proximity to a funnel cake stand could LITERALLY lead to a meltdown involving 3 pounds of powdered sugar and a diet coke.
Here’s some tips from the Queen of Composure on how to keep your shit together this Pride:
1. “It’s a little too late for you to come back- if you thought I would wait for you, you thought wrong.”
You’re single. You’re alone. It’s Pride. You see that girl you used to hang out with. You didn’t really like her much then, and you don’t like her now, but hey, I mean, it wasn’t that bad before, right? WRONG. WRONG WRONG WRONG. You ended it for a reason right? Yes. You did. Don’t let the blur of Pride sweep you back into the arms of someone even the 22-year old version of you would be smart enough to walk away from.
I get it, they are comfortable. And familiar. And you know that they brush their teeth. But Pride is fucking chock FULL of amazing people. Don’t get caught thinking it will be a one night fling and end up having to cart their ass to your post-Pride brunch. Your friends will make sooooo much fun of you. And she won’t stop texting you for months. You’ll have to change your phone number… again. AGAIN! Remember when you had to change it last time? It was because of her, that giant bowl of crazy flakes that you are thinking about walking over to…. DON’T. DO. IT. Run like Queen B is chasing you…
…to the beer tent!
2. “The shoes on my feet? I’ve bought it. The clothes I’m wearing? I’ve bought it. I worked hard and sacrificed to get what I get.”
YES YOU DO MISS B. And so do I. And so do YOU. Pride is fucking the best time of the year. You don’t want to wear a shirt? Don’t. It doesn’t matter what you look like, it’s gay Christmas! You want to wear those jorts that are a little snug? FUCK IT! Go crazy. This is the one time a year we can take over the town and not have to deal with weird looks from touristy suburbanites and where NO ONE get nervous when they see my girlfriend and I holding hands. It’s a magical time full of rainbows and unicorns and cock rings.
3. “Everything you own in the box to the left. In the closet, that’s my stuff- yes, if I bought it, baby, please don’t touch. Baby I won’t shed a tear for you, I won’t lose a wink of sleep, ’cause… replacing you is so easy.”
Oh girl. There are SO many break-ups in June. Couples made it through the stress of the holidays by eating their feelings, they muddled through Valentine’s Day and all the other bullshit auxiliary holidays of the spring, and they have fucking had it. If you have a Pride month break-up, keep it classy as fuck. Make a clean break, and make SURE all their shit is out of your house before Pride weekend. If they forgot their favorite cargo shorts and have to “stop by” Friday night after you brought home the hottie from the bar that could afford to buy you more than one Miller Lite, there will be a SCENE. Don’t make a scene. Fight the urge to cry like an 8th grader who just lost the spelling bee.
Someone (including one of your cats) could get hurt.
4. “Say I’m the one you want. If you don’t, you’ll be alone, and like a ghost, I’ll be gone.”
You have FORTY-EIGHT hours of Pride. That is NOT a lot of time. Take advantage of it, and don’t waste your time with losers. If they can’t afford to buy you a Miller Lite, WALK AWAY. That’s red flag #2! The first red flag was barbed wire tattoo around their neck. (I love a good neck tattoo… but barbed wire? Who are you, the lost member of 98 Degrees!?) Be direct, and above all, be safe. Pride brings out the asshole in all of us (plus it brings in all the assholes from the surrounding counties.) Don’t leave your drink alone, and don’t leave your friend alone with a total dick.
Be responsible, and you too may be able to avoid crying alone in your bed with full drag makeup drinking a martini.
5. “You know I’m not gonna diss you on the internet… cause my mama taught me better than that.”
DON’T GET HAMMERED AND UPDATE YOUR FACEBOOK STATUS. OR worst, drunk text an ex. Get your shit together! Ask a friend to put your phone on airplane mode when you start slurring your speech. None of your texts will go through, and you will be too messy to figure out how to fix it. Real friends don’t let friends drunk dial. It ain’t classy and girrrrrl… you will regret it the next day when you wake up cuddling with your bathmat. You may regret that, too. Just give them a dirty look, and move on. Not sure what look that is? Observe below:
DAMN. That’s cold.
Hey, you. Yeah, you. This rule for drunk texting ALSO includes vaguebooking. If you put up something like “wow, someone got fat!” or “I guess there really IS nowhere but down to go after you’ve dated someone as amazing as me,” you are being a tool. Also, you can go ahead and eliminate posting any Marilyn Monroe quote. You ain’t Marilyn, and neither am I. (The only exception is a dragqueen who is dressed as Marilyn for Pride… get it, boo.)
If all else fails, put on your freakum dress and get the hell out there! There’s an incredible line up of events all weekend at Columbus Pride and you deserve to have some fun. After all, we are survivors.
Brooke’s original Pride Guide to handling your shit can be found here. Brooke’s upcoming shows in Ohio can be found here. The quote from Single Ladies about putting a ring on it could not be used because Ohio doesn’t fucking have marriage equality yet. Maybe next year, Ohio.