As a former personal trainer and fitness buff, I am constantly asked about my workout routine and how I maintain my incredibly average, pretty “okay” body in the face of the constant stress of law school, stand up comedy, running half marathons while singing for EVERY cousin’s wedding, and other extremely white girl hobbies.
My workout routine is simple: follow Patrick Swayze movies. I will demonstrate below how tips from the Bible of Swayz will lead you to chiseled abs, not to mention a much more relaxed mental state.
Rule #1: The less clothes, the better.
I find that when I walk around shirtless or bottomless, I not only end up smashing all the mirrors in my house (which by the way is a great triceps workout), but I also tend to do more random exercises throughout my day because I WANT TO LOOK BETTER NAKED. Patches O’Swayze uses this routine best in the 1989 classic Roadhouse, where he has a shirt on for about 1.5% of the movie. And even when he is wearing clothes, it’s not really clothes. It’s like a hankie covering a nipple.
Rule #2: Pain Don’t Hurt
This is one of Swayze’s classic Roadhouse lines, and Pat… you’re right. Pain DON’T hurt. You know what DOES hurt? Not being able to fit into your skinny jeans right before a first date. So suck it up and add ten minutes to your cardio routine, bitches.
Rule #3: Work out with a buddy
Sidekicks are crucial to staying fit, because they motivate you to stay on track, and celebrate your triumphs:
and also console you when you’re down:
Just make sure you’re workout partner doesn’t turn on you and invite you to Whitecastle after a couple skinny martinis. There will be consequences:
Rule #4: Dancing Burns Calories
Just be careful that this:
doesn’t turn into this:
Rule #5: Water aerobics work wonders for the abs.
Water aerobics is great, especially if you have an injury, or are a magical roving genie with incredible charm.
Never underestimate the power of water, a few strokes every morning (in the pool, sicko) and you will be amazed how much you slim down. Also, if you can, lift up a 105 pound woman above your head while swimming.
If Patches can do it, you can.
Rule #6: Don’t disappoint yourself by falling off the wagon
We all cheat on our diets, but don’t let the guilt keep you down. Get right back on the diet bandwagon… don’t let yourself slip. But more importantly, don’t let the Swayz down.
Rule #7: No Substitutions.
There is no other way to get fit and stay healthy, except for consistent exercise, steady healthy diet, and hard work. Don’t be fooled by charlatans claiming to be as good as the original:
*Shudder.*Yea, those diet pills you bought from that infomercial last night also went straight to VHS. Ditch that shit, and lose weight the Swayze way. You’ll be hurling around skinny actresses that will never sustain another lead movie role and laughing about massive wounds all over your body in no time. Pain. don’t. hurt.