WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF TIME. Ads for Black Friday are plastered all over social media, and congloms like K-Mart and Wal-Mart are busy promoting lay-away-elmo plans for every family in America. Up for facing your family alone this Christmas? HELL NO. The only thing worse than dealing with your annoying cousins is dealing with those cousins WITHOUT a stranger they’ve never met- it’s the perfect buffer!
It’s not too late. I’ve compiled some of the best advice I have both given and received (it is the season of giving after all) about first dates. Listen to me, lesbians, and you guys will be shacked up by Black Friday and picking up kittens from the shelter by Christmas. BOOM. (Bonus if you find a girl who actually owns a sexy reindeer costume. I hear that they come in handy, and they just seem so damn practical.)
Tip #1: Be on your phone the whole time.
Who doesn’t love someone who can’t carry on an intimate conversation? Fantastic. Don’t hide that fact that for the first three weeks you will be super attentive but after a month or so you will only be able to carry on minimal small talk if your eyes are glued to your smartphone screen. Have bad eyesight and can’t see the small font on an iPhone? Bring your tablet! Catch up on some reading while you split a quesadilla with your future life partner. HEY. THEY SHOULD LOVE THE REAL YOU. The tech-crazed, easily distracted, totally inconsiderate YOU.
Tip #2: Talk about marriage/kids/dogs as much as possible.
Lesbians are too often accused of “u-hauling.” What’s worse than bringing an overnight bag to a first date? EMOTIONAL U-HAULING. Emotional u-hauling includes discussing future life plans with the person, writing out your two last names with a hyphen on a cocktail napkin just to see how they look, or discussing artificial insemination casually. Phrases like, “What’s your dream wedding like?”, “How many pitbulls do you want?”, or “Do you regularly ovulate?” should be avoided like the dykey plague. It’s hard to resist, I know, you want to start your perfect life, but reign in the crazy. You’ll thank me later.
Tip #3: Document everything that happens on the date. Publicly.
When I was a young lesbian, coming out of the closet, dating awful women with pink mohawks who treated me like shit… I didn’t have a smart phone. THANK GOD I DIDN’T HAVE A SMART PHONE. The intimate beginnings of a relationship are at high risk of sabotage when documented through camera phones, tweets, instagram, and friendster. (Okay… maybe not friendster, but you get the point.) Taking pics of everything so you can show your friends is not only annoying, it also leads to the inevitable: you, sitting alone, half a bottle of Moscato in, scrolling through of the pictures you took on your three hour date and reminiscing about what you could have had… but alas. The girl didn’t call. Know why? Because you tweeted a pic from that website where you can combine your faces and see what your kid would look like. And that’s fucking weird. Sure, take one or two pics. But please… wait to post any side boob shots you took of her while she was sleeping. (Based on a true motherfucking story. Shudder.)
Tip#4: Wax incessantly about how you DON’T understand why you are still single.
When I was in college, a girl asked me, “Why don’t you have a boyfriend!? You are so awesome. You should have a boyfriend.” Two things wrong with this: one, she’s a dumbass. And two, awesome people don’t NEED to be dating anyone. Whenever people have asked me why I’m single, I answer honestly, and say “I’m extremely high maintenance, petrified of monogamy, and emotionally unavailable. Wow … this date is going well.” Be honest about your shortcomings, and odds are good if you are rambling on and on about how great you are, your date is getting digits from the cute bartender while she picks up your amaretto sour. ALSO WHO THE FUCK DRINKS AMARETTO SOURS? I will pull your lesbian card so fast. Order a whiskey. Geez.
Tip #5: If it doesn’t go super well, tell everyone.
There are millions of lesbian fish in the sea. Well… maybe a couple hundred. Small midwest towns make dating even more tricky, because all lesbians are friends with//have fucked//are currently dating each other. But fight the urge to blast the person publicly. It’s tough… especially if you have access to a public forum like a blog, for example, maybe. But even a status like “well… on to the next one” makes you look like an epic douche. And frankly, I was thinking about inviting you out for a glass of wine to get to know you better, but after seeing that social media post, I’m petrified that if I fart in your car, I’ll end up in a weird tweet entitled “fartitude.” And trust me… I will definitely fart in your car.
Will you meet your life partner by Christmas? Well… I guarantee you’ll meet someone. Nervous that person may not be the one? My solution: fart in their car. That’s when true character comes out. Sure, you could go through an elaborate courting process, but the way someone reacts in crisis mode is a true testament to their character. Now, who wants to pick me up so we can grab some lunch? You drive.
[Note: I have recently been receiving a lot of feedback about how I constantly rip apart scissoring on my blog. I understand that some of you don’t suffer from the same issues as I do when I attempt the sexual act of scissoring, like rug burn and chaffing. I commend you, and encourage to continue whatever gets you off. Looking for the perfect gift for your scissoring partner? Amazon has some great ideas… even cookie cutters! Happy scissoring, and may Santa bring you cocoa butter for all the knee burns you inevitably receive.]