I must admit, readers, that I am becoming a bit of a crotchety old lady. When anyone asks what kind of music I listen to, I laugh and usually name off a few bands. The truth of the matter is, when I’m not listening to the Journey or Robyn for a spinning class, I am most likely jamming out to classical. And that’s not really the sexiest thing you can say when laying in a girl’s bed who you met, oh I don’t know, like 5 hours before, or even on a first date. Everyone wants to hear how trendy you are, and I’ve decided to come clean about a few things… most importantly, how pop music can destroy your love life in mere minutes. Glad I peaked your interest.
Remember when pop songs empowered you? I’m talking about the 90’s, when my chubby self was riding in my Mom’s Honda accord with my fluorescent yellow walkman listening to a mix tape I made of the top ten radio show the night before. I was the queen of fast forwarding the perfect amount through commercials… I know, I had skills. Lyrics from those top tens spouted life-affirming phrases and messages. Sure, life is a highway but baby got back at the end of the road, and I ain’t too proud to beg or get jiggy with it, but it smells like teen spirit. You remember: when the sexiest song on the radio talked about taking it “Nice and Slow” and Usher’s abs were the most scandalous thing on MTV and no one knew “Miley” could be a real name. If we all took a little advice from 90’s music, casual dating (which eludes twenty somethings like an accurately illustrated animal in an Eric Carle book) would be so much easier. RHINOS AREN’T PURPLE, ERIC.
90’s Rule #1 If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.
This rule is CRUCIAL and overlooked. If you shit talk my friends within the first few weeks of talking to you, I will probably lose your number… and your twitter page… and your facebook friendship… and your friendster account.
90’s Rule #2 Don’t go chasing waterfalls… I think you’re moving too fast.
Take your motherfuckin’ time and enjoy the chase!
90’s Rule #3 Life never tells us, the when’s or why’s.
When you’ve got friends, to wish you well you’ll find your point when you will exhale.
Where are friends in modern pop jams? Whitney knew how important they were all the time.
90’s Rule #4 Things’ll go your way… hold on for one more day.
Whether its thoughts of suicide, a rough break up, or both, looking on the bright side is totally 90’s.
I could go on, but my earbuds have been scarring my brain for the last 20 minutes with the audio stylings of Justin Bieber. Sure, I could list all of the awful song lyrics out nowadays, but his latest gem pushes me over the edge. He is not only crooning at women to be codependent vegetables, he is pretty much telling them that love = stalking. And let me tell you, that does NOT help the tweens listening to him grow up to be functional-pattomuses in relationships. Lets take a sample of the lyrics, shall we?
If I was your boyfriend, never let you go
Keep you on my arm girl, you’d never be alone
I can be a gentleman, anything you want
I’d never let you go
So give me a chance, ‘cause you’re all I need girl
Spend a week with your boy I’ll be calling you my girlfriend
If I was your man, I’d never leave you girl
I just want to love and treat you right
THIS IS PETRIFYING. A paraphrase: if we date, I will be around all the time, and I will never let you be alone and that is what you should want because we are dating (not married or even engaged) and these actions mean I love you and you should love me to. PERFECT. I don’t know about you, but I like my alone time, readers. I don’t need company while I watch repeat episodes of Criminal Minds or when I clip my toenails or when I watch porn. Those are “alone time” things, and I am scared for future generations of procreating humans who think THIS is a great standard for a relationship.
I wish I could write more, but it’s 7 o’clock on the dot I’m in my drop top cruisin’ the streets. I have to get going.