Katy Perry

First of all, don’t read this if you like Katy Perry. I have pop music on my ipod for workouts and jam out to karaoke with some serious bubble gum vocal fodder, but she has become ridiculous.

I hate to start with the obvious… but it drives me nuts when girls spell their name all weird. Katy with a “y” makes this pop icon sound like a stripper, or better yet, a porn actress. Change that last name by one or two letters… maybe Katy Cherry? And you have a bonafide adult film starlet.

I keep my head away from entertainment news. If you can’t keep yourself occupied with the mess in Syria, you can always turn to the light-hearted but consistent disappearances of blonde women in Aruba, but Katy Perry’s new single is too much.

“Friday Night” is an ode to a crazy, drunken, immature night out, in a voice that makes her sound 15 years old. Petrifying. This song inspires me to get my tubes tied, or at least, if I ever do have kids, to lock them in a room with no electronics and give them volumes of Dostoevsky. Let them learn about the world through the eyes of a different, more socially awkward but spiritually sound psychopath like one of the protagonists in Crime and Punishment or The Idiot.

If you don’t know what song I am referring to… take a listen, or better yet, turn on a pop radio station for 15 minutes and it will be on.

The mock-up video, a hilarious Winters-esque 80’s spoof that pairs with the “She’s All That” style of teen romance, is one of the funniest music videos I have seen in years. It’s worth the 8 minutes, and it includes cameos of the Hansen brothers, Corey Feldman, and my personal favorite, Kenny G. That being said, with Katy’s audio demographic for this jam being high schoolers, very few young girls seem to actually realize it is a spoof.

Let’s just start some scattered lines that blatantly reference date rape or outright assault: “there’s a stranger in my bed,” “think we kissed but I forgot,” and my personal favorite, “it’s a blacked out blur.” So you were roofied… and you sound like a high schooler. Added bonus, you talk about having a threesome. Dynamite. I know what some of you are thinking… the line “don’t know what to tell my boss” indicates that this young lady is a consenting adult, but I have two words for you: paper route. That high schooler couldn’t wake up for her 6:30 bike ride because she was busy losing her favorite party dress (which is on the floor with the chandelier). Plus if she has warrants out for her arrest that means she’s above 18? WRONG. Little known fact about me, I have a police record that is sealed. Everything they do to consenting adults, they can do to you when your twelve years old and living in the ‘burbs.

The melody that is reminiscent of Sesame Street counting song makes you want to bop your head in a stoned stupor. Ms. Perry must have gotten the idea for this jam when she was a guest on Sesame Street. Never seen the clip? It was banned for indecent exposure. Yo yo… check it:

Big confession: I miss Katy Perry. I miss when she was a little chubby and a little bisexual (which is how I like all my women for the record). Facebook pictures of whatever you were doing with the girl at the party that had cherry chapstick probably wouldn’t get you in trouble like the shit you were doing last Friday night. Oh and you have no regrets, right? “Pictures of last night ended up online I’m screwed… oh well.” Perfect. A picture of you in crotchless tights swinging from your parents’ chandelier while men are getting blow snorted off their dicks… tee-hee Katy, you’re hilarious!!

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