I know what you are thinking, “Brooke! Stop writing about being gay!” No, I won’t. Why? Well… mostly because I’m in law school and I doubt you want to hear about that part of my life… rambling on about the Rule Against Perpetuities and constitutional statutory interpretation. If that shit turns you on, drop me an email and we will grab a couple Moscow mules and chat. But this blog is my safe haven from… well… all that shit.
We are rapidly approaching the Christmas season. Get out your spirit gum, glitter pasties, and white “shorts” (they are almost too short to be considered shorts). ITS PRE-PRIDE SEASON! Every self-respected gay is hitting the gym and Whole Foods fast and hard, getting ready for Pride month, a veritable peacock parade of human sexuality and free will. Wait… you AREN’T already running on the stairclimber while chugging vitamin water zero and living on blanched asparagus? GET ON IT. You don’t want to look like a walrus on pride and perpetuate the stereotype us Ohio lesbians have of being “sturdier” than most. I’m kidding. I’m a huge fan of sturdy women. 36-36-36? Only if she’s 5’3″.
I’m already prepping for pride, and you should be too. Here are some lesbian terms you will hear in these upcoming months and the interpretation of those can be not only confusing, but misleading as well. I encourage you to print out this list in a “pocket guide” form and bring it with you to not only any pride festival you attend, but also any gay bar you dare go into. Together, we will tackle some words and phrases that the layperson would misinterpret when blurted by a member of the LGBT community. It follows the standard Webster format. Let’s get started:
“We have this great connection, like… I’ve never felt this way so quickly before.”: This girl I’ve been on two dates with and I are going to move in together next week, screw both of our roommates by moving out without notice, and buy some dogs and cats. LIKE… A LOT OF ‘EM.
“OMG me and my girlfriend are so good right now.”: We are about to break up. Wanna hang out?
“I’m super happy being single, I’m just working on myself right now.”: DATE ME. I’M SO ALONE.
And now… some definitions:
brother: [bruhth-er]: 1. what good parents (like Hulk Hogan) call their son; 2. someone you are actually fucking related to; 3. lesbians don’t use this word in any of the prior definitions. In fact, they use it the way gang members use it, to denote a close friendship or comradery that would survive heavy violence and conflict. Often used by lesbians who learned the term in one of its most highly used environments: jail. (Note: Transgender males can use this. Because they are men.) Examples: “What up, brother?”; #brother; “Don’t shank my brother!” Common abbreviations: #bro, #brother.
bromance [broh-mans]: an annoying way to refer to friendship (also common in jail).
babraham lincoln [beyb-rah-ham lingk-awn]: 1. a hot babe a la Wayne’s World; 2. A hot babe who knows her American history. Example: Bro, Brooke’s knowledge about the Resconstructionist period in American history is such a turn on. She is such a Babraham Lincoln.
ex-girlfriend: [eks-gurl-frend]: 1. A woman you used to date whom you are secretly hooking up with because your friends don’t approve of you “recycling”… BUT YOU ARE IN LOVE DAMMIT . 2. A woman who you went on a few dates with who is stalking you… following you to bars or skulking by the dumpster at your gym; a general creeper.
gay bar [un-yon] : bar for gays and lesbians.
lesbian bar [slam-mers]: bar for lesbians ONLY. Gay boys stay out!
well-adjusted lesbian [wel-uh-juhs-tid lez-bee-uhn]: like limits to infinity… these do not exist.
This is a mere start, readers, and I encourage you to check back periodically leading up to any LGBT event you wish to attend. The lesbian language is constantly evolving and growing, expanding and contracting like a rusty hinge of a Subaru hatchback trunk. As a side note, I am available at a modest fee to attend these events with you and whisper the definitions in your ear if you get confused. Not only does my Kris Jenner haircut allow me to blend into the background, but I also wear a lot of earth tones which makes me less conspicuous. (Prices will vary depending on how awesome you are.)