What is it about minivans that makes me absolutely livid?

When I’m following a minivan going 35 mph on the highway, I become insanely frustrated and a little scared for other drivers. And it’s not because of my boiling rage, it’s because only unsafe drivers are behind the wheel of those wretched vehicles.

Behind the wheel of that minivan could be one of two types of driver:

1.) A mother of four who is multitasking… swerving as she is trying to pass out cheerios to the youngsters in the back, while talking to her husband on speaker who is asking what she is making for dinner, simultaneously attempting to press play on the Dora the Explorer DVD that is in the high tech entertainment system. She bought the minivan for the safety of side airbags and the false sense of security she gets from being able to see over sedans, when in reality with the way she is driving, she’s toting around a top-heavy killing machine with sliding doors of fiery death once inevitably crashed into a concrete wall.

OR

2.) A criminal/rapist, usually of the drug-induced variety, cruising at the quickest pace the 1992 Caravan can go, multi-colored, rusted doors rattling as the engine gears up to it’s 38 mph peak. I was at the bank ATM the other day and a woman who was legitimately a crack whore took about eight minutes to take out 600 dollars from her account. As she fanned it to count it and hobbled back to her escort, I noticed she was pouring her sack of sad bones into the passenger seat of… you guessed it… a minivan. Color me surprised. Why don’t they just make all used minivans come complimentary with lollipops and duct tape. Cut out the middle man.

Advertisements for used minivans could include phrases like:

“Removable middle seat that’s great for extra storage on a camping trip… OR for a dead body!”

“Working tape deck! With purchase, you’ll receive 10 Kid Beats Cassettes for your nieces and nephews… or for whoever you pick up on the side of the road.”

“Convenient middle console is great for antibacterial wipes… or vials of heroine!”

The bottom line is… if you want to deal drugs or steal kids, mini vans are the first place the cops will look. Go for something less conspicuous… a hatchback, maybe. Suburus are spacious. And if you think you need the space of a minivan for your family, stop having kids. America is chock full of assholes, so do us all a favor and cap your reproductive quota at two. Thanks.