My beef with the state slogan.

I have made a conscious effort to accept Ohio and its culture. Moving here from the north, from a very liberal state like New York, has made some adjustments difficult. For example, the state logo: With God, all things are possible. There, to me, are two problems with this statement. First of all, the use of God in a state logo to begin with. In 1788, after the Northwest Ordinance which allowed settled to move west, this area was riddled with jaded Revolutionary War veterans, thousands of whom were permanently disabled from war. Before modern medicine, the only real cure for constant pain was whiskey. So the drunk settlers (and rightfully so… I would be drunk all the time if vicodin hadn’t been invented yet) hunkered down and made themselves a state. Embarrassingly enough, although Ohio finally established itself as a state at the turn of the 18th century, there was a bigger party when Louisiana was granted statehood a few years later.

Louisiana. Really?! That’s a little much. Not only did that cesspool of a state barely reach occupancy requirements, they made slavery legal in their state constitution! Guess who didn’t? Ohio. So really, God had less to do with our statehood, and it was more about Congress.

Now the second part of the slogan, anything is possible. Sure, the first oral polio vaccine was developed in Cincinnati and the Wright Brothers invented the first airplane in Dayton (a controversial but truthful claim). But if you take a look at the other major inventions to come out of Ohio, like vacuums, automatic car starters, and microwave ovens, you have to notice that mostly, Ohians are lazy. They don’t want to wait for the baked potato to cook in an oven, they want it in 2:00 minutes on high. And why should you have to walk to your car to start it?! It gets cold here.

To that, Ohio, I say bullshit. You want cold? Head up to the Adirondacks where -30 degree winds whip you in the face during the middle of the afternoon. Where the vapors on your eyelashes freeze the second you walk outside and your nostril hairs shiver on every tepid inhale.

With God, all things are possible. Mmmmm. How about this for a slogan: If you wait long enough, someone will invent something that will make life less work.

Perfect.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *