so cosmo says you’re fat.

It’s my own damn fault for spending $4.19 at Target yesterday. And it’s my problem that even though I was sick, I replaced chicken noodle soup and a call to mom with a Cosmo and a large black coffee. I’m not very good taking meds and being stuck on the couch, and yesterday Cosmo made my sickness worse. Besides nauseating ads where Ricky Martin and Nicky Minaj pander trashy shoes and perfume ads that make me feel fat AND ugly all at once, the story headlines include “Compliments Men Crave”, “Decode How He Holds Your Hand” and “What He Checks Out On Your Facebook Timeline”. Cosmo is training their readers to literally stalk their crushes. And with over half a million subscriptions worldwide, dudes, hide your dicks. This how to guide seems to be written by Glenn Close herself, with details about interlocking fingers, loose or tight grip, and interlocking arms. And I’m not even talking about sex yet. Oh yes, hand holding is the way to tell if he’s into you. But wait, Cosmo, I have a question… what if after I drug him and he is lying strapped to a rickety gurney in my basement, I hold his hand and he doesn’t grip it? It’s limp from the ketamine… DOES THIS MEAN HE STILL LOVES ME?!?!?! You get my point. I could write an article that wraps up all of these issues in one sentence: Don’t worry, he thinks you’re pretty.

The biggest issue I have with this waste of glossy paper is the skinny fucking models. When I bought this mag in high school and read it with my friends, we all felt like moosies… even the friend who was a skinny gymnast. That bitch. I have been called big boned, curvy, healthy, athletic, fit, and my personal favorite, thick. When I was shopping for high school date dance dresses, my boyfriend of two weeks told me I was “thick” and that’s why the dresses didn’t fit me. I cried for exactly three days. Now, I’m smarter and I don’t listen to anyone I’ve been dating for just two weeks, let alone invite them to watch me try on dresses. And to my other “thick” ladies out there, the ones who couldn’t fit into Abercrombie is high school and can’t fit into H&M now, you have some options. You can revenge fuck the boys who didn’t want you in high school because now you are hot and sexy and fabulous (my best friend did that and she never felt better) or you can glean from this Cosmo a new motto: One Kind of Sex You Should Never Have With Him. Oh wait, that’s another article title. Your new motto? I’m pretty… pretty fucking fabulous… without having a penis inside me.

And if you, like me, former chubby kid, self-medicated the cool way in your adolescence with artsy extra-curriculars and movie nights, you know that best way to cheer yourself up is to order a pizza and enjoy this link below. If this video doesn’t cheer you up, I guess we aren’t as good of friends as I thought. I have to rethink our friendship…

Why I joined show choir….

4 thoughts on “so cosmo says you’re fat.

    • Preaching to the choir, handsome. Btw I don’t have your number and I wanted to ask you about a show! Fb MSG me. Not message… MSG.

    • You are still winning as my favorite commenter, Sarah. I hope you are doing more traveling soon bc I have some fun blogs planned for this week.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *