When rumors about Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher splitting hit the tabloids, do you know how America confirmed that the relationship was over? Not when they moved into different houses or when they filed for divorce, but when Demi STOPPED following Ashton on twitter. As someone who doesn’t have twitter and is probably going to be forced to very soon, this plight is mostly for my catharsis. That being said, I am writing this blog post on a 2011 customized MacBrooke Pro and I have an Iphone. No, it’s not the latest Iphone, but it’s pretty damn close.
I have no twitter account, no tablet, no kindle or nook, no chip in my phone to tap into my bank accounts or even my facebook account. I don’t dig too much tech. The reason? Simple. Bitches are crazy.
Ok, hear me out and don’t shut this window just yet. In the good ol’ days, when you broke up with someone, you actually broke up with them. You missed their voice and would lay on the couch at night and ponder what your ex was doing. Was she also stuffing her face with greasy pad thai and thinking about you during commercial breaks of Law & Order? Who knows. Maybe you run into a mutual friend and awkwardly ask how your ex is doing. The mutual friend doesn’t say much and you go your separate ways. THE ROMANTIC COMEDY POST BREAK-UP MONTAGE DOES NOT WORK IF YOU BOTH HAVE FACEBOOK. When Harry Met Sally wouldn’t have been nearly as heart-wrenching if they tweeted after they decided to stop talking to each other. Sally could have put up a facebook status along the lines of “Men are pigs” and Harry could have talked about how much he loves the single life on his tumblr. No thanks.
The real problem is that bitches (women in this case) as a general rule do not handle break-ups well. When I become single, my life becomes a blur of vodka shots and take-out containers as I stumble my way back into productive society. Buttery nipple shots and facebook do not mix.
Like grieving the loss of a loved one, there are phases to mourning your relationship. And of course, most everyone does them publicly. Right after the break up you may post something really awesome like an inspirational quote or picture, something along the lines of “What doesn’t kill you makes you a better person than the person you used to date”. I think I’ve seen that before. Then comes my favorite posts, the “OMG I LOVE MY FRRRRRIENDS!!! MY LIFE IS AMAZING” post. Your friends have been telling you that your relationship was in the shitter for months and you ignored them so you could have access to sex and maybe cable. When your friends are about to give up and block your f%^*ing number, you finally break up. Yay friends. They buy you liquor and if you are lucky, clean up your puke. Your life isn’t amazing, and you know it. And everyone on facebook also knows it.
My favorite phase of post-relationship public grieving is the “I have a new significant other and I’m so much happier than I was with you” phase. This phase is a gem. It usually involves finding a rebound and taking a lot of pictures with said rebound, posting them on facebook with a lot of heart emoticons. The idea of course is to make the person who dumped you extremely jealous. But here’s the catch: if they dumped you, they don’t want to be with you. If they dumped you and actually do want you back, assanine behavior like that should make them so disgusted that they would prefer to continue to date their own hand than to walk back into that steaming pile of drama.
Picture this: a tarmack after sunset in Northern Africa in the middle of the second world war. The plane propellors thrashing as Humphrey Bogart leans in towards Ingrid Bergman, one of the best movie moments of all time. He whispers in her ear after a long embrace, “I changed my status to single.”
Yea, it doesn’t work for me either.