My relationship with the Dark Knight is complicated. Growing up with my sister’s hand me down Barbies and an extensively impressive Amelia Bedelia book collection, comic books never made it into the hallowed purple walls of my bedroom. I never played Superheros- I played House. Instead of embodying the caped crusader, I embodied the heteronormative housewife. My fake eggs and bacon were to die for, and you’ve never lived until you tried my scratch and sniff plastic Baskin Robins ice cream. Who is Batman?
It’s that time of year… where you spend uncomfortable time with family members that you never actually talk to who haven’t had a meaningful conversation with you since you were five years old! Even then, that conversation centered around your love of play-doh. So… not exactly deep. And if you identify as LGBT, the conversations get even weirder. So in honor of the holiday season, I have a drinking game to deal with your awkward family (and mine.) DON’T WORRY, ALLIES. You can also play this game. Just stick by your gay cousin Johnathan and drink whenever he does.
SOCHI COCA COLA MICHAEL SAM GEORGE ZIMMERMAN! HA! Just kidding. This blog is about NONE of those things… Continue reading
On eHarmony’s website, under dating tips for women, you can find some real gems. Highlights include titles like, “15 Reasons to Date a Neurologist,” “Three Ways to Bounce Back from a Rejection (that I assume don’t include binge drinking and stranger fucking like a normal person),” and “Ten Pick-up Lines for the Gym.” I guess these tips are here to get women to get “back on the horse” after they were emotionally pummeled by the last horsie they tried to mount because that horsie had commitment issues and climax problems due to excessive marijuana use. Stupid horsie.
My personal favorite of ALL of these advice articles has to be “15 Reasons to Date a Comedian.” Anyone who has dated a comedian, don’t bother reading this, because you know all of these things already. In fact, you are probably sitting there, sipping on a half empty bottle of whiskey, just trying to get through the day. Recovering from dating one of us can be difficult. Let’s go through these helpful tips and then rip them apart. Because they are fucking stupid. And eHarmony needs a new puff piece writer:
1. Comedians want to make people laugh. Get ready to be entertained. ENTERTAINED? ARE YOU SERIOUS? The most annoying f*^&ing thing in the world is when someone says, “You’re a comedian. Tell me a joke.” You want a joke? Fuck yourself. If I wanted to be entertaining all the time, I wouldn’t be a comedian. Geez.
2. Comedians see the humor in the otherwise unfunny stuff of life and can look at the same situation from different perspectives. Yea… different DEVASTATING perspectives. Comedians are notoriously sardonic and brooding. Don’t come to us if you need a new perspective, unless that perspective involves a straight razor, a case of lighter fluid, and a pile of old photographs. The only perspective we see: pain.
3. Your date will be the life of the party — at the party. Oh, we will be the life of the party. So much so, you probably won’t see us all night. Because we are busy being awesome. Get ready for everyone to come up to you and say, “Oh my god, he/she is SOOOOO funny. You are so lucky.” Only you are the one who knows that you will be picking up the pieces of your funny drunk mess on the way home when they puke all over your hedges. And that’s not a metaphor.
4. At home, however, comedians are often introverted and sensitive. Your steady support will be very welcome. At home, we are conceited and self-involved. Out of the house, we are hilarious and fun, towards everyone but you. Lucky you.
5. Comedians are usually following their dreams. You might be inspired to start following your own. Following our dreams? Yup, my dream was to make tens of dollars telling jokes. You too, may be inspired to put thousands of hours of time into something that makes you no money.
6. Is “stand-up comedian” a lucrative job? Not always. But how many people can say that they’re doing what they love? That’s very admirable. Shut up.
7. Related: No one will accuse you of being a gold-digger. But they will accuse you of being an idiot.
8. Because of the unstable nature of their careers, comedians appreciate healthy, stable relationships to come home to. Untrue. Excited to hear all the gory details of your healthy, stable relationship on stage every time you have a fight? And you can never break up with us. WE. WILL. DESTROY. YOU. With jokes.
9. Introverts, rejoice. Date a comedian and you’ll have most weekends to yourself! Introverts, run away. You will be dragged to countless open mics where we will leave you to hang out with our alcoholic comedian friends. You will be left at the bar drinking alone. Congrats, with all your binge drinking, you are halfway there to becoming a comedian yourself!
10. Comedians share their life stories with strangers every night. They’re good communicators and are willing to be vulnerable with others. We are awful communicators. We can’t take anything seriously and are ironically enough, also insanely oversensitive. Also, we drink our real problems away until they bubble up and explode onstage in front of all our mutual friends.
11. You can visit your date at work — and actually have fun while doing so. Who doesn’t love going to a bar at 1 in the morning on a Tuesday to watch ME tell five minutes of jokes? Oh, and the beer? Each beer is 7 dollars. This place is fancy. Pony up.
12. Your date will introduce you to plenty of interesting characters. Most with extensive records, shoddy employment pasts, and alcohol addiction problems. Hey- maybe you can meet someone!
13. Your friends will think your significant other is hilarious. Related: Bragging about your date’s newest comedy routine will do him/her good. This one is true. We are fucking hilarious.
14. Not every comedian exploits his personal life in his act. Most will outline boundaries with you. (Jerry Seinfeld doesn’t diss his wife on stage, and he’s done okay for himself.) ALL COMEDIANS ACT EXACTLY LIKE JERRY SEINFELD. THERE ARE NO OTHER COMICS.
15. A common love language for comedians? Words of affirmation. Build up your partner verbally, and you’ll likely be the recipient of praise, too. What the fuck is a love language? Tell me I’m funny, I won’t believe you. Try to give me constructive feedback, I will cry and tell you I hate you. EVERYONE WINS.
Clearly, eHarmony is putting about as much money into paying their staff writers as I get to tell jokes for 20 minutes on Wednesday night (so… zero dollars.) My recommendation for anyone looking to date a comedian? Don’t do it. Date a neurologist. They seem to be much more stable. Also, don’t use this advice if you are queer… eHarmony doesn’t like the queers.
Dustin Meadows also wrote a great list here. Original post can be found here. The comment section includes another 15 Reasons to Not Date One of Us. And also some really enjoyable personal indulgences that are TMI. Oh, comedians.
This morning, a thin veil of snow fell gently in the Northeast and Midwest. While everyone was enjoying the splendor and beauty that signals a beautiful winter season, I was reminded that- SHIT! It’s already the fucking holiday season. Pack up the cobwebs and pull out the tinsel, because we are heading into family-palooza. Continue reading