I have a confession to make: I have been spending a lot of time on eHarmony… a LOT of time. Why? Because when I wrote the blog 15 Reasons to not date a comedian, I thought this eHarmony article was just ONE article. But then I started perusing and discovered a MILLION OF THESE ARTICLES!!!! It’s a buffet of dating tips for heteronormative douchebags, with titles like “15 Reasons to Date a Neurologist” (read: all the reasons are money) and “15 Reasons to Date an Administrative Assistant” (this article for predictably enough, for men, which is fucking ridiculous but I’ll deal with that later.) But probably the most disgusting article I found was this: Ten Things Women Should Never Say to Men. WHAT?! What fucking YEAR is this?! It’s 2014, not 1954! Let’s start first with the lovely picture the eHarmony staff chose for this article:
It’s like she’s saying “Shhhhh. Don’t let him hear you, you may get hit again. Or worse, end up single.”
The content is even more repulsive. Let’s take a misogynistic textual tour, shall we? The italics are my personal comments, not endorsed by eHarmony, but endorsed by being a fucking human being:
Your man loves you – and doesn’t want to hear certain things from you. Oh, he doesn’t? Wow, that’s fucking news.To keep your happy, healthy relationship healthy and happy, stay away from the following phrases:
1. “Man up.” This emasculating phrase is never, ever appropriate. He is a man. If he’s not meeting your expectations, learn to communicate this clearly and without insult. I say Man Up to WOMEN sometimes! Man Up is a colloquialism that while rooted in sexism, is a totally justifiable comment. Let’s use it in a sentence. “I know you cheated on me with your administrative assistant because eHarmony said she has librarian sex appeal and won’t bring her work home with her because she doesn’t have a ‘real job’, but man up! Take responsibility. And get the fuck out of my house.”
2. “We need to talk.” This phrase is the most likely to shift him into defensive mode. Try a more loving approach and you will surely get better results. LOVING APPROACH? What is he, a hungry walrus? If I need to talk to mah maaaaaaaan, I sure as fuck am going to give him some warning…. some “hit and run” space, if you will. “We need to talk about blank. Take some time and think about it, get your thoughts together, and meet me on the veranda. WE DON’T HAVE A VERANDA? Fuck this relationship, I’m out.”
3. “Size doesn’t matter.” If size doesn’t matter, don’t talk about size. Size does matter. Stop lying. Wait, the size of what?
4. “Is she prettier than me?” Related: “Do I look fat in this?” If the question you’re asking him has only one acceptable answer – and if a too-long pause in responding will only feed your insecurities – just trust that his answer would have been the right one and don’t bother to ask it. If he even fucking THINKS about pausing, he’s a moron who has never dated someone with an actual soul who occasionally gets insecure. Dump him, honey. He’s literally a droid.
5. “You’re just like my ex.” Worse: “I’ve had better.” You don’t want to be compared to his exes, so don’t compare him to yours. Even if he comes out on top, it’s still an awkward comparison. Who the fuck would even say this? I’ll tell you who: the idiots who read eHarmony advice columns, that’s who.
6. “Are you really that stupid?” Be careful not to use language that emasculates and belittles your guy. Treat him with respect, even when you’re angry or disappointed. Again, this has NOTHING to do with a relationship. Why would you say this to anyone ever? If you think they are stupid, don’t date them. Find another neurologist.
7. “Never mind. I’ll do it myself.” Don’t dismiss the offers of help from your man. A common love language is acts of service. Don’t deny him the opportunity to serve you. Sometimes it’s nice to feel needed. Fucking do it yourself. You’re missing a penis, not opposable thumbs.
8. “I can’t live without you.” Use desperate language with caution, and stay clear of phrases that sound clingy in early stages of the relationship. Let him take the lead when it comes to commitment and promises of a future together. Yea, GROSS. I hate women that tell me exactly how they feel and how much they love me. Don’t be clingy ladies, or he’ll NEVER put a ring on it.
9. “I’m not your mother.” Worse: “I’m just like my mother.” Keep your mom(s) out of it, unless you’re actually talking about patterns learned from your respective families of origin. What does this even mean? Why can’t you say that you are like your mom? Why is this a thing? My mom is the fucking bomb dot com. Don’t fuck with my mom.
10. “Nothing’s wrong.” Yes, it is. He can’t read your mind. If something’s wrong, tell him what’s wrong. Okay… you know what’s wrong… I can’t date someone who I have to walk on eggshells around. We are done. But, on the plus side, I signed you up for eHarmony.
Now, I understand that these articles are for a specific subset of men and women… a traditional, maybe old-fashioned set of people. But is this what we want modern men and women, however traditional, functioning in relationships? I hope my daughter (and by daughter I mean bulldog because I’m a lesbian who doesn’t have kids) never has to deal with the challenge of falling for a man who would give her shit if she is just being herself and saying what she feels. Let’s do better, brahs. And make these articles a thing of the past. But don’t forget, men and women, if you are on the prowl, the best reason to date an administrative assistant: “Who doesn’t love Pam Beesly?” SHE’S NOT A REAL PERSON, EHARMONY. YOU ARE A FUCKING JOKE.
Here is the link to the original article.