SOCHI COCA COLA MICHAEL SAM GEORGE ZIMMERMAN! HA! Just kidding. This blog is about NONE of those things…
No one really likes the beginning of February. We’ve all fallen off the fat, cigarette-smoking, whiskey drinking horse that was our New Year’s Resolution. Finally, the credit card bills from the fiscally swollen holiday season have become reasonable and not catastrophic…. then BAM! Another fucking holiday, and not even a real one! Single, married, dating, engaged, gay, straight… whatever you are, Valentine’s Day is extremely exhausting and just fucking annoying.
Get ready for that inevitable moment when you turn your phone off and lock yourself in your bedroom with a bottle of bourbon and a free Netflix trial. Let me prep you for some of the most annoying things that will happen in the next few days:
Valentine’s Day Engagements:
Ring selfies anyone!??! I’m happy for everyone who is getting married and having kids. Good for you guys. Or for my lesbians… everyone who is getting engaged and buying dogs. But in the midst of your personal Valentine’s day disappointment, the most annoying thing to see on your newsfeed is an engagement. Is it an ex getting engaged? EVEN BETTER. TAKE A DRINK.
The only thing worse than seeing Valentine’s Day engagements?
Valentine’s Day Break-Ups:
I lied. Actually- these are REALLLLLLY fun. A recently single friend will FLOOD your social media with inspiring memes and quotes about how BEING SINGLE IS AWESOME, or my personal favorite… WORKING ON MYSELF. Stop posting weird cloud memes and go work on yourself. You are clearly a mess. To the women who read this and are super offended: You know why I don’t deserve you at your best? Because we are not compatible.
Valentine’s Day Flower Posts:
EVERYONE KNOWS YOU GOT FLOWERS. I GOT FLOWERS. I’M GOING TO POST IT. I CAN’T HELP IT. But seriously, if they aren’t that pretty, don’t waste the Instgram shot- my attention is waning. Unless you post a flower selfie with some cleavage, I’m going to unfollow. Srythxbye.
Valentine’s Day Relationship Update:
Lesbians are notorious for celebrating three month anniversaries, or my favorite, ELEVEN MONTH ANNIVERSARIES. Seriously, we’ve all fallen victim to the heartwarming thought of monthly fancy dinners and copious amounts of wine with our domestic life partner. (Or as I call ’em, a DLP. I don’t have time to say all those fancy words). So get ready for some serious stretching of the truth (i.e. OMG CELEBRATING 1 YEAR!!! When it’s closer to 8 and a half months.)
Valentine’s Day Food Pictures:
Heart shaped candy? Ok. Heart shaped cheesecake? Eh. Heart shaped polenta on top of your filet? REIGN IT IN. Food pics are almost always 92% gross. That other 8%? Vomit inducing. Enjoy your food this Hallmark Holiday season, and don’t snap a shot of it. Plus, the flash from your smart phone BLINDED the family of four next to you. Little Suzie is now coloring on the table instead of her placemat because she can’t see anymore. Way to ruin Suzie’s drawing. Ya jerk.
These are just a few of the annoying things we will ALL have to deal with this week. Frankly, romance is such a personal thing, and if it really gets your rocks off to post pictures and statuses and videos of your love, do it. Do what makes you happy. But don’t expect me to not screenshot it and mail it out to 20 of my closest friends… because that shit is hilarious.
You know what else is hilarious? This: