It’s that time of year when the world falls in love- er, wait? Isn’t that Christmas? YES! It IS Christmas! It is gay Christmas! Happy Pride, everyone. I can’t wait to party with you as we celebrate all the man thigh I am about to see in Goodale Park. I always meet my man thigh quota in June, and this month is NO exception. Along with Pride comes gay mating season! A reminder (if you don’t already know) that this is Phase Two of the gay dating cycle. Much like a butterfly (and often just as colorful), queers take to the streets at Pride to find a lifelong… er…. yearlong courtship that will LAST FOREVER OF COURSE. But before you dive face first into anyone’s VIP tent this year, check out the phases so you can know what to expect:
Phase One: Pre-Pride Prep Fest
You know what I’m talking about, so don’t even begin to play coy. March hits and you IMMEDIATELY head to the gym and cut back on the carbs so you could so sleeveless, even shirtless at Pride. Joke is on you… we live in Ohio and we generally like ‘em sturdy, so don’t cut out too many of those sandwiches. Mmmm… sandwiches. Pre-Pride prep is serious business. You ditch the love handles AND the relationship baggage for two to three months of intense self-care… or intense selfies. Either way, you are single and foxy as f*^& by the time Pride rolls around which works out perfectly for you, because it’s been so long since there was another person on the left side of your bed that your cat made a hammock out of a pillowcase.
Phase Two: YOU. ARE. IN. LOVE.
AMAGOD I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU MET SOMEONE AT PRIDE! You met a LGBTQ identified person? At Pride? Who was also single!? How serendipitous. It must be true love. You both are feeling and looking your best, so this is the perfect time to get back at your ex by posting a bunch of adorable pics. Where should you post them? EVERYWHERE, SILLY. You aren’t looking for anything too serious… maybe just sleep over like, 6 nights a week? Cool. You two date all summer, and couldn’t be happier. The Long Islands flow off the Union patio like your own personal gay ass waterfall. Why is everyone so down on relationships? They are great.
Phase Three: Hibernation
The first chill in the air. The first batch of Octoberfest. The Back-to-School themed drag shows. You’ve made it to autumn and are still hanging out with your Pride boo. You get serious. I mean… really serious. Sweatpants with the holes in ‘em and Netflix marathon serious. He starts making you his famous chili recipe in your crockpot, or she starts bringing over those pizza coupons. You get happy. You get hearty. And just in time for the holidays. Bring your significant other home because YOU CAN’T CHANGE WHO I AM, FAMILY. It’s always better to daydrink with your awful aunts and uncles when you have someone to cuddle with later on your mom’s old futon. Anyway, New Year’s is coming up! You can’t break up now. Who will you kiss at midnight?
Phase Four: The Break-up
It’s anywhere between January and March. Your New Year’s kiss was a TOTAL let down, and you can feel yourself checking out potential side B boos. It’s time to cut it out and deal with the fact that maybe everyone you meet at Pride isn’t the love of your life. You break up. It’s messy. You get the cat. And the other cat. Ugh. How are you going to meet someone with all these cats around? You look in the mirror. DAYUM. Those jeans are a little tight. And when was the last time you got a haircut? Do you even own shoes anymore? You’ve been wearing slippers to the grocery store for two months. Time to step it up and….
YOU GUESSED IT. Go to the gym. (Back to Phase One, ya’ll!)
Look, the cycle *can* be broken. If you make it out of Pride Saturday without a new love of your life, good for you! I’m impressed. Just whatever you do… DON’T GO TO BRUNCH ON SUNDAY. Studies show that 98% of gays meet their next disastrous relationship at brunch. Don’t believe me? Fine. It’s your wedding. If you need me, I’ll be at the bar of your favorite brunch place to pick up the pieces in March. Don’t worry- I won’t say I told you so. I’ll take you shopping for some pants with a fly, and we will get you back out there! After all, Pride is already here. And YOU are looking fierce.