AMAGOD. DOMA IS DEAD. Yeaaa…. kinda. But you know what DOMA didn’t do? It didn’t kill all the homophobes. Homophobes are still out there… everywhere. They’re like Visa. From maniacal Russian autocrats (who think Russian figure skaters are actually straight!) to Ohio’s own Attorney General Mike DeWine , people of power all over the world are trying to rid the world of the gays, or at least let us die out in misery. Awesome.
So what do we do? Do we hide in our closets and hope no one discovers we are gay like the patron saint of lesbian gym teachers, Carla Hale? That’s not a solution. And that’s not a life. So I urge you… gay, bi, straight, queer, pan, trans… whatever you are… come out. Come out as an ally. Come out as a friend. And if you need some tips on how to do so, here are a few:
Way to Come Out #1: Convince your mom/dad you are on drugs… then break the news.
I ran into a friend of mine from Texas recently who introduced me to one of her co-workers. This charming and sweet woman had a gay son, and when I asked how he came out, she smiled and said, “He was acting so erratic. Ups and downs… I was convinced he was addicted to drugs. So when he finally told me he was gay… I was so relieved it wasn’t drugs!”
BAM! What a perfect plan. Act super nutter-butters, sprinkle in a dash of bipolar and maybe some manic tendencies, and then, when you tell your family you like dudes/ladies/ladies-who-look-like-dudes (my type), they will be so stoked that you aren’t snorting meth that they will accept you! Also, I clearly am not a drug user because I don’t know how you take meth. Do you inject it? Rub it on your skin like an ointment? Man, I would be the WORST drug user.
Way to Come Out #2: Seduce a prominent Republican’s kid.
Want to make a REAL impact? Don’t just tell your middle-class family you’re gay… SEDUCE A REPUBLICAN’S KID. Any Republican’s kid. But preferably a bid deal conservative. Here’s how it works: First, find an 18+ man or woman whose mother or father hates the gays and has Lindsey Graham on speed dial. Then, date the son or daughter. The conservative asshole will realize how happy their child is and all of a sudden WILL LOVE THE GAYS. It worked in Ohio with U.S. Senator Rob Portman and former Attorney General Jim Petro! And why did it work? BECAUSE EVEN HEARTLESS POLITICIANS CAN SEE A GREAT PR MOVE WHEN IT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEIR FACES. No one wants to be on the wrong side of history, and here’s their chance to jump ship and land on the best cruise ever: The Equality Booze Cruise.
Way to Come Out #3: Be an Ambitious Bad Ass
My mom’s BIGGEST problem with me being gay? She thought I would never be successful because of my sexuality. She was weighed down, like many others in her generation, by stereotypes she learned in the Reagan era, when gays were falsely archetyped as promiscuous, disease-spreading, unemployed members of society. I love my mom, and it’s not her fault. She watches Fox News. But the biggest change in her opinion happened when she started engaging with successful colleagues and citizens who were ambitious, brilliant, and happened to be GASP! gay. I mean… look at me now. I make TENS of dollars at comedy shows, and am accumulating tens of thousands of dollars in debt getting a law degree. Can you spell success? Yea. I can. It’s spelled B-R-O-O-K-E.
In all seriousness, coming out is a difficult process and everyone must discover a way to come out that will be the most healthy for themselves and their loved ones. And coming out as a straight ally in a conservative family also has its share of unique challenges that should not be downplayed. What I hope you pull from this post is not only some way to be more supportive of our community and more vocal about your stance on equality, but also a commitment to yourself to seduce some conservatives. Because they really need some love and attention… I think that’s why they are so fucking miserable. And when in doubt, you can always pray to Saint Carla, patron saint of gym teachers, windpants-wearing lesbians, and fit gays everywhere.