why we should ban together this fucking holiday season.

I am going to piss a lot of people off with this post. So… in advance… you’re welcome.  Consider it my early holiday gift to you that you didn’t want. And I didn’t give you the gift receipt so you can’t return it. Happy re-gifting.

 

Maybe my fuse is getting a little too short as my jeans get a little too tight (stupid law school), but I am amazed at all the shit-talking, shit-spewing, bad-mouthing, and general rumor-milling that is running amuck in this city… AMONG LESBIANS. That’s right, Columbus, we are hate crime-ing … ourselves. It seems every group does it in the LGBT community. Small communities that should be sticking up for each other are shitting all over each other for no reason. And no, I’m NOT talking about the elephants in the room, the gay Republicans. Don’t even get me started on those assholes… I was a registered Republican when I was in the closet too, homos… but now? You are like the kid with polio when the junior high dodgeball teams are being formed in gym class. No one picks the kid with leg braces.  THEY DON’T WANT YOU ON THEIR TEAM, ‘MOS. So get off. And then, stop being a Republican.

 

All I’m asking for this Christmas is that we don’t perpetuate one of the lesbian stereotypes. Keep up with the rest of ’em, like saying, “I love you” the first week, moving in too soon, breaking up too fast, wearing pants with pockets in places that shouldn’t have pockets, and fantasizing with your girlfriend about how many dogs you want (wait… that one is just me). The ONE stereotype I wish we didn’t perpetuate?  Hating someone’s guts after just a few weeks (or sometimes, days!) of dating them. So… it didn’t work out. You aren’t meant to be. Don’t sign the lease or the mortgage or the adoption papers for that Russian kid…. just move on. Don’t put up passive aggressive Facebook statuses that force people who pretend to be your friends on Facebook to comment, “Oh, hun, what happened?”, or “Been there, sorry.” THOSE ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS.  That person hasn’t talked to you since sophomore year of high school! and now they have two awful kids and the worst haircut and they don’t know you at all!!! Your real friends will tell you the truth…that you are acting crayfish. That’s what my best friend in Columbus does… and I quote: “Now that I’ve known you and lived with you as long as I have… I can confirm that all lesbians are fucking crazy.” Now, some of that is on me, as I have brought home some real gems.  But the point is… your real friends will let you know when you are being nuts about a girl you have no right to be nuts about. So keep some cool straight people around, ya know, for good measure.

 

My girlfriend and I were taking an innocent walk (at 3am to buy gyros) in the gayest neighborhood in this city, and a group of (I’m assuming straight-ish) people screamed some nasty things our way. I didn’t let go of my girlfriend’s hand, but you know what I did do? Bought two jumbo gyros and a mini-bag of Cheetos. That’ll show ’em. My point is… there’s enough people out there who hate us just for being ourselves. Think of all the time we spend hating or gossiping about others lesbians… THINK WHAT YOU COULD DO WITH THAT TIME.  You could write a book. You could go back to school. You could learn to play the piano. And if you want … you could find a girl who likes you enough to get a cup of coffee… but don’t bring a lease for her to sign on the first date. It’s tacky.

 

I know, I know… no one is going to stop talking about one another. I love a good story about my ex getting so drunk at the bar that she kisses a dude, or finding out that a girl who is telling everyone that I “can suck a dick” actually can’t discern the difference between “you’re” and “your”. It’s rewarding in a sad way, but I am going to make an effort this holiday season to stop the shit-talking, and so should you. It will be hard to stop because I am also going to try to stop sucking so much dick, but I’m good at multi-tasking.  Maybe this holiday season, we can start our resolutions early. But if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to the SPCA with my girlfriend so we can stare at puppies and dream of a day where we can move in with one another way too soon. Kisses, readers. And Happy Holidays.

 

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