Your Gay Pride guide: listen up, breeders!

It’s here again!! Rainbow thongs and Bud light anyone?! Pride season is upon us! So, you straight readers out there, when confronted with the twinks, bears, dykes, femmes, fags, studs, daddies, doms, queers, and the rest of the wonderful LGBT community this month, you may need some advice. And that is what I am here to provide. I know you think you know. But you don’t. As your town or city or hamlet starts brimming with the gheys, this wisdom will keep you out of trouble, and you may even make a faggoty friend. (And trust me… gay boys will keep you stocked with grape vodka shots all night so its worth it).

Rule # 1 : Don’t play straight Yente

No one needs a matchmaker for one of the most debaucherous months of the year. Besides the bar patios and copious number of community events, we queers will be throwing a lot of small hangouts, or what some people call “orgies”. If you meet a gay person and ask if they are single AND they say yes, do not respond with, “Oh, my friend is gay and single too! You should date.” Just because we are both gay and in the same zip code does NOT mean we will hit it off. Is my type written on my fucking forehead?! No. Straight people don’t do this shit, and if you do it to me, I will throw a Birkenstock at your face. Unless upon meeting me you are instantly aware that I am a bit of a chubby chaser who enjoys retired Division 3 softball players who appreciate my soccer thighs, don’t try to set me up with your coworker’s friend who looks like a child hooker. Thanks anyways though.

Rule # 2 : Experiment on your own time

THIS IS OUR MONTH. We own June, you can have everything else. I don’t need your Labor Day BBQs or New Year’s Eve wedding receptions (because you fuckers can get married) or any of that other shit, so please, party respectfully. What that means? Don’t be gay for pride weekend. If you want to experiment, do it as nature intended: in high school in the locker room with the tuba player in the pit orchestra… just an example. If you missed out on high school? Wait until July. This isn’t amateur hour.

Rule # 3 : If you aren’t sure about someone’s gender, pointing and laughing will get you f$%*ed up.

I am AMAZED at how many people, gay or straight, have trouble with the concept of gender identity. Some people identify as he, some as she, and some in between or not at all. Making fun of these people IN A CROWD OF ALLIES and you can eat a bag of dicks. Ignorance is like baggy capris… maybe it was a little trendy in the early 90’s, but wear it now and you look like a fucking dumb asshole with cankles. Huge cankles.

Rule # 4 : Understand the rules when a lesbian runs into an ex.

This is a complicated system, but when a lesbian runs into another lesbian and they shared bodily fluids, toothbrushes, or a golden retriever for more than two weeks, get ready with a lot of light beer. For the next three hours, you will have to listen to one of them cry, vent, spew vitriol, and generally rehash the relationship. That, or if you are lucky, get ready to hang out alone because they will just leave and go fuck each other. Lesbian relationships are like dog years… if we dated for three months, we will act like its been two years. Our delusion is too strong so don’t try to break it, just keep the drink tokens coming.

I have a feeling I will amend and add to this list , especially before Columbus Pride commences… in less than 2 weeks!!! Until then, I will be sticking to my pride diet to get in shape: egg whites, brown rice, vodka, and vagina. You didn’t think this body just happened, did you? It takes work to look this average, or what I like to call “Ohio skinny”. I swear the rainbow panties I bought were made for the skinny bitches up in New York City. Happy Pride Month!

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  1. Pingback: Five Pride Lessons From the Bible of B | OUTLOOK OHIO MAGAZINE

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