I get it. It’s early September, you’re finally getting into the swing of things this fall, and all of a sudden *BAM*! You lose all your friends on Monday night, Thursday night, and the entire fucking weekend. You thought you were dating someone and it was going well, but it turns our you were a six month placeholder for a man named Julio Jones. You aren’t great at day drinking, and boneless wings give you indigestion.
Take it from an Ohio transplant who literally thought “Scarlet and Grey” was a type of cake batter when she moved here… you’ll be fine. Just follow my tips to success and before you know it, you will be talking about Pick 6’s and knowing it means picking up the ball and running for a touchdown, not a new type of lottery game your Grandpa likes to play at the Moose Lodge on Tuesday afternoons.
Tip #1: Don’t resist: they can smell fear.
If I had a nickel for every girl who tried to get me into football, I’d be a miserable bitch swimming in a pool of nickels. For real though, resistance is futile. You know when your lesbian friend ALWAYS goes after the one straight girl in the room because it’s a challenge? This is exactly what happens to me during football season. Everyone wants me to be a fan. Your best bet is to root for a shitty team, so that by the time the playoffs come around, you can feign being mopey and enjoy an actual weekend. I recommend the Browns.
Tip #2: Get some football gear.
Lesbians view buying each other jerseys as a form of foreplay. My current jersey collection is pretty extensive because any ex-girlfriend worth her weight in nachos has bought me one. Trust me… you will fit right in at a sports bar in ANY jersey. Oh, what? The player on your jersey was traded to another team?! IT’S VINTAGE, MAN. You still look cool.
Tip #3: Learn a couple tips to make you sound savvy… then find the one friend in the bar in a Salad Fingers t-shirt and start up a conversation about Syria.
Ok… maybe not Syria. But you can GUARANTEE someone in that room is faking it just like you are. How to pick him or her out? Easy. Lack of gear is a dead give-away, but incredible interest in the snack selection, constant re-reading of the beer label, or their propensity to examine a coffee table book for more than 30 seconds are all signs that you may have found an ally. Maybe you two could go outside and get some air together… and run away to see the matinée of Carmen downtown. Hey, a girl can dream.
Tip #4: Don’t Let Football Season affect your sex life.
With more than half a dozen games in a given week, at about 3 and a half hours a game… that can eat up some SERIOUS romance time. My recommendation? DON’T LET IT. Football can be sexy too. Take some of that 7 layer dip, spread it in a thin line down your back, sprinkle some potato chip crumbles on it, and you have INSTANT foreplay for your football fan at home. Wait until right before halftime so you know that sex will last at least 10 minutes. Wait…she isn’t into 7 layer dip? Then why are you dating her? She sounds weird.
Tip #5: Learn some shit about Peyton Manning.
Manning had an incredible opening game last Thursday (I was forced to watch), and if there’s one thing everyone loves, it’s a dramatic fall from grace, or a hero story. Pey-pey could go either way, it’s too early to tell. But he will be talked about at least for a few months if he continues on this path of ass-kicking, so here’s some facts to memorize so that you can survive small talk with your asshole boss:
He’s won an MVP award four times… so maybe say, “Looks like Peyton might be up for MVP for the fifth time! Not that I’m surprised… look at those cheekbones.”
He tied an NFL record in the game last week, so you could try, “Did you see that game last Thursday? Peyton tied an NFL record. All I did was finish a 12 pack by myself.” You look like an alcoholic. But you also look like a SUPERFAN.
Former Denver Broncos quarterback and crazy Christian Tim Tebow threw for 7 touchdowns in 19 games… the same amount Peyton got in one night. So you could say, “Aren’t Christians fucking crazy?”
These are all just ideas, you can take them or leave them, but I have a feeling you will want to use them when you are trapped in a windowless bar that smells of yeast and disinfectant at 1:45pm on a beautiful Sunday afternoon. While everyone enjoys the gorgeous Ohio autumn, you’ll be working on your beer belly and dazzling the crowd with your plethora of factual knowledge. And if you aren’t sure why everyone is cheering, just scream, “SPORTS!” It works for me every time.