They’re here, they’re equestrian, get used to it.
That phrase does not exactly roll off the tongue, but what does? Bronies.
Bronies are a group of men in their late 20’s and early 30’s who are blogging about, obsessing over, and writing fan fiction about the rebooted cartoon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. News coverage, urban dictionary, and very serious blogs have been discussing this new-found fanaticism, and it is difficult to discern whether this internet phenom is fabricated. It seems pretty real, and to me, I think America can use the growing thousands to solve the debt crisis.
Before I go there, though, I have a few other issues.
First of all, how long will Geoffrey the Giraffe send you a personalized birthday card if you join the “Toys R Us” mailing list? Does Geoffrey send them when you’re 35? How about “over the hill” pony cards?
Another question: what will happen to these pony collections that these men own when they find a lovely woman and get married? Wait nevermind, that will never be an issue.
Here’s the big issue: ponies are expensive. Tumblr and other memes provide access to episodes of MLP: FiM (the convenient acronym), but what about the fan collections? A figure of Pinky Pie (the pink pony with balloons on her bum and a Bronie favorite) goes for five or six dollars, but accessories are expensive! Applejack’s orchard will set you back 20 bucks, and the Pony Castle Mermaid set will set you back 30 big ones!
Plus, Princess Celestia (the benign leader in Ponyville and a real philly) will cost you at least an Andrew Jackson or two, especially with her sing-a-along hairbrush. And doesn’t every princess deserve a hairbrush that sings?
Since we can pretty much assume that the grown men who are obsessed with this show are either unemployed, living with their mother, or both, I propose a plan to solve some government debt problems. Let’s subsidize the pony demand with government issued characters that Bronies can buy with their dad’s social security check, or better yet, their own unemployment.
Current pony character ideas include: BoehnerShy, the sensitive yet stern pony trying to get the people of Ponyville deeper into the Evertree forest so he can shade them from the liberal sun. Or StarryEyedBachmann, a tweaked-out pony with a hammer symbol on her hind quarters, there as a reminder to her fellow friends that she was knocked on her head in her youth and cannot think straight. Yet the ponies are kind to her because friendship is the adhesive that keeps Ponyland together (never use the word glue in referring to ponies… they don’t like it). And the best one yet, GlennBeckFace, an accomplice to the villain Nightmare Moon, who is trying to destroy friendships in Dream Valley in Ponyland by spreading vitriol about the other ponies.
I guess I will wait to be called by Congress or hope that McCain googles MLP:FiM at 3 am when he can’t sleep. Until then… Congress: stop horsin’ around! And Bronies: keep ponyin’ around.