Brooke’s Rules for Online Dating

I consider myself to be a reasonable person. A reasonable person who cries about twice a week and cuddles with a stuffed pig at night, but nonetheless, reasonable. If you, like me, reasonable person, have tried meeting potential lovahs (lovers said with an open “ah” sound), then you MUST MUST MUST heed to my online dating rules that will guarantee love… er, friendship… wait, survival. Rules that will guarantee survival.

To help demonstrate these rules I will be using LIVE examples. If one of these people turns you on, I could probably get you their contact information. If you play your cards right.

1. SPELLING IS EVERYTHING. Here’s the deal: I can’t judge you by your ugly shoes, your inability to eat soup properly, the way you treat the server (horridly), your abysmal body odor, your extreme muffin top that makes you look like a day old baker’s dozen, the number of times you check your phone at dinner, or the fact that you ordered a Smirnoff Ice. All I have to pull from on our virtual date is your profile: a steaming wrack of misused grammatical tools like using “there” when it should be “their”, or my personal favorite, replacing an entire word with just one letter. What, you didn’t have the time to write out the whole word? I guess that nine hour shift at the NOCO just took 2 much out of U. Guess U R not the 1.

2. THE MORE CLICHES YOU LIST, THE BETTER YOUR CHANCES ARE. Real talk, readers… profiles are littered with cliches. As a device once and a while, they prove useful, but most of the time, they are tired and overused. If you aren’t sure what a cliche is, an example is “life is a highway”. It’s probably my favorite example. Here are real cliches from the dating website I partake in:

I ware my hart on my sleeve
I won’t change 4 NEone
This is my life.. if U don’t like what U see… DEAL WITH IT!!!!!!!!
Gettin my life on track n lookin for the perfect woman to spend it with 🙂
I’m kinda a hopeless romantic!

Ignore the spelling and grammatical errors. It hurt my brain to copy and paste these but it is worth educating all 58 people (hopefully) that will read this on the danger of cliche talkers. The bottom line is: if you heard it in a Daughtry song, it’s probably a cliche. Strike it from your mind.

3. TAKE ALL YOUR PICTURES YOU POST FROM THE INSIDE OF YOUR CAR: You know what I’m referring to. If you aren’t sure, go on Facebook and look up some random girl from high school. I bet she has a few sweet pics of her in her car, usually on the drivers side, posing for herself and using her phone for a camera. Extra points if she’s puckering her lips. THERE IS NOTHING MORE DECEPTIVE THAN A PICTURE OF YOUR FACE. I want to see your body. I’m not shallow, I’m realistic. If you are hiding everything from the neck down, odds are good that we are not going to work out. And if I wanted to see the interior of cars instead of good looking women, I’d be on a different website.

4. DO NOT SKIP THE “WHAT I LIKE TO READ” SECTION, IT WILL ANSWER SO MANY QUESTIONS. Every website makes you answer this question differently, sometimes in one big section, sometimes with specific books, but these answers are crucial. If a woman is honest about her lack of literary prowess, she will most likely say something like “I’m more of a magazine reader” or “I dunt reed much” or something along those lines. Hey, at least she is being honest. You won’t date her because she is an illiterate mess but honesty is EVERYTHING!!!! Sorry, I couldn’t help but throw in a cliche. The latter type of profile gets tricky. This type of woman will often list books she has never read, or better yet, read in high school. Be wary of lists that include “The Screwtape Letters, A Child Called It, The Giver, Wuthering Heights” or ANYTHING by Willa Cather. No one likes Willa Cather. I’m not saying these books are bad or unreadable, but by now, romantic potential, you should have a few more books on your list than the ones assigned by your sophomore year English teacher. For anyone who lists real books that you think they may have actually read, I’d say message them. Unless they like the Twilight series.

5. “MY KIDS ARE MY LIFE” STATEMENTS SHOULD NOT BE TOLERATED. Newsflash… if your young kids were actually “your life”, you wouldn’t spend hours daily on a dating website. You’d be hanging out with your actual kids. Unless the court took them away, and in that case, you definitely are not my type.

Yes, I can be harsh, but I hope these ironclad rules with save you and countless others from a lifetime of Canadian serial killers and foot fetishists and illiterate morons that troll so many dating wesbites out there. Stay safe America. And maybe read a fucking book.

4 thoughts on “Brooke’s Rules for Online Dating

    • I know right! you thought it was slowing down in the middle but then BAM! Nicki Minaj AND M.I.A. save the day! I can’t do football metaphors but I’m a champ at halftime shows metaphors.

  1. To tell the truth, my one true love of my life and the apple of my eye MUST be a cliche talker. I don’t know why U R so annoyed by people who use song lyrics 2 express themselves.

    From my life theme: All eyes on me when I walk in, No question that this girl’s a 10 Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful. Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful. My walk my talk the way I dress It’s not my fault so please don’t trip, Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful

Leave a Reply