It’s Tuesday morning. We are all miserable. Yesterday, a storm system moved through the Midwest, dropping sleet, snow, and doom across the country. It was like… raining Eeyores. It’s hard to keep your chin up when the closest thing we have to a real holiday is months away (I’m not counting Easter, because Easter is lame. But Cinco de Mayo is in MAY. UGH.) Spring break is over, and summer break is months away. But I am about to turn your week around. Really. Get ready to be blown away with wholesome, lighthearted images … of young, attractive, in-love Americans… eating fast food.
Whenever I get down and out about my week, I just close my eyes, and picture myself enjoying a mouth-watering pile of greasy battered fish parts in a ski lodge. Oh yea, with two hot girls in chunky sweaters (who still look thin even though they are in chunky sweaters.) Wait, that’s not what you do?
Well, if that’s not where your mind goes when you fantasize, try it.
My other favorite way to let go? After a long week… cuddle up with my girlfriend in her Ford Focus hatchback. OBVIOUSLY. We head to Taco Bell and purchase some taquitos, bring them into a random warehouse where all of our friends are hanging out…. but the thing is? THEY ARE STARVING. Literally, they’ve been trapped for days. No one has fed them. THANK GOD WE BROUGHT TAQUITOS. They dip and dunk all the delicious fried mini-penises like rocketships into queso, red sauce, and some sort of green goo. And it’s literally like they are feeding themselves for the first time.
Ooooo. Look at that girl. That taquito is making me hot. She probably wants me to kiss her. Yea. My breath is AWESOME right now.
… not much of a party goer?
Then I have the perfect way for YOU to relax. Head to the closest tex-mex takeout joint that actually makes you shit fire (Read: still Taco Bell). If there’s a Taco Hut (Pizza Hut and Taco Bell combined), treat yo’ motherfuckin’ self to a personal pan while driving home with your Taco Bell order. BUT DON’T EAT THE TACO BELL. Instead, bring it into your apartment, where three ethnically diverse but remarkably in shape friends are waiting. Place your elaborate Taco Bell order on the coffee table and lean back as you watch them stuff their faces with so much processed meat and cheese that they start pooping while they are still eating. Then laugh your ass off as they make your bathroom smell like death.
SEE YOU IN THE BACKGROUND BEING A CREEPER?! Also, Don’t forget to make your cool friends (who apparently hang out at your place when you aren’t there- weird) pick you up a scented candle. You’re gonna need it.
I could keep going about all the relaxing ways to enjoy fast food… at the beach:
In a bikini:
With a bag of your own vomit that used to be a Big Mac but you puked it up to fit in your bikini:
SHE’S NOT GONNA EAT THAT SANDWICH. I bet Morgan Smith Goodwin has never even EATEN a sandwich. You know what I want to do? I want to get her address, and start anonymously delivering foot long philly cheese steaks to her in the middle of the night. I bet after a few skinny girl cocktails and some cocaine, that cheese steak is gonna look goooooood. I’m not asking for this:
But something a *little* closer to reality would be refreshing. Oh, I don’t know… perhaps:
THE ACTUAL WENDY THOMAS. IT’S WENDY, guys. And they cut her from the campaign because she isn’t thin enough. And she’s not on the beach in a bikini. And YOU KNOW WHAT? Fuck it. I’m going to Wendy’s. THE CHICKEN NUGGETS ARE GOOD FOR YOU. IT’S PROTEIN. Jerks. And sometimes, the only solution to the Tuesday blues is some chicken nuggets. Don’t worry, I always follow it up with my “sturdy girl” workout: 20 minutes on the elliptical followed promptly by a Reuben.
(P.S.: the number of images I now have saved on my computer in the folder labeled “taco party” is not suspicious at all.)