why new year’s resolutions don’t work: a plan for birthday resolutions this Halloween season.

I don’t get why everyone has to have a resolution for New Year’s Day.  Everyone has a different new year, and mine started two days ago.  Your birthday is your new year, something you get to do one time and one time only.  We can all think back to the one year we royally fucked up… for me it was 21, 22, and 23.  And a little bit of 24. Besides, who wants to decide to change their lives in the dead middle of a miserable Ohio winter, where every morning looks like a landscape described in Ethan Frome and you are carting around 15 extra pounds of holiday weight?! (okay… more like 18 pounds. But that stuffing was DELISH.)

Tis the season… for change. The leaves are changing, the weather is crisp, ankle boots are back in style; it really is the perfect time to kick those pesky patterns.  And it’s not like you’ll forget the date you started these resolutions… start them the day after Halloween, which is MY favorite holiday: “Best Walk of Shame” Day. (see blog here.) While Tinkerbells and sexy kittens are walking home with ripped tights and one shoe, popping a 2-pack of Motrin with a gas station Gatorade, you can shed old habits just like college students shed stereotypes about Halloween costumes!!!! Well, they don’t. But still.

So here goes: my Resolutions for my 28th year:


1. Don’t care what people think about your taste in music. Or anything.

As I crossed the finish line to my third half marathon, I blasted Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas” is you into my earbuds.  Before that? WRECKING BALL. ON REPEAT. FOR THREE MILES. Before that? A weird compilation of a mixed cd from an ex-boyfriend in high school and SHOWTUNES. Not even new, up-to-date showtunes about something cool like swearing muppets or Mormons. Rogers and Hammerstein style. Classic. Yea, I thought Vampire Weekend was a new show on the CW. Don’t hate. So if you ask me what I’m listening to, and you don’t like that it’s “If I Loved You” from Carousel, suck it.


2. Pick a cause.

I have a lot of friends who are living with HIV/AIDS. It’s 2013, and the myriad of pain and paperwork they go through daily would literally make me insane for a disease that way too many people think is on the downswing, or worse, will not affect them.  I live in one of the top cities in America for the LGBT community, and so many are living with HIV/AIDS; there has to be more I can do besides going to a benefit and giving a few bucks to watch a drag show (an amazing drag show at that). We didn’t leave AIDS in the 80’s, and the numbers in Columbus and Ohio in general are alarming.   I want to do more than drink bourbon at a benefit. I’m not sure how, but hey… that’s why it’s a resolution.


3. Don’t get boomeranged.

When I was a little kid, my mom would always warn me about “getting boomeranged”: thinking you have a friend, then finding out they are using you.  I go on a double date in junior high with my best friend, she steals my date? Boomeranged.  I’m the first one in Truth or Dare to take a Dare, and then my friends eliminate Dare as an option? Boomeranged. A few weeks ago, my mom came to town; we were tossing back grey goose at a hotel bar like we were about to board a red-eye, and she asked me if I had gotten boomeranged lately. Annnnnd I have.  Being aware of other’s intentions takes so little effort, but it pays off.  Whenever someone comes in your life with the intention of friendship, you have to ask yourself if you’re going to be the one who gets nothing out of the relationship, or worse, leaves worse off than when you started.  Yes, it sucks that people aren’t awesome all the time. BOOM…eranged.

I’m not sure why I am writing this post. Maybe its to keep me accountable so at this time next year, I can read my list of resolutions and check them off like a list. Maybe I just need to say them aloud.  If you need to make yourself accountable, comment on this post and make your list. If there’s anything we’ve learned from the internet, it’s that nothing ever disappears. Your resolutions will always be there. Snapchat them to a friend if you need more accountability! And don’t tell me Snapchat pics “disappear.” I’m sure that Snapchat is logging all those titty pics to post online when you run for office. Forreal. Anyway, I promise if you do post a list, I will try and make you accountable by bugging the shit out of you around this time next year. It’s worth a try. And it sure as hell beats trying to join a gym in January with the rest of the chubbies. [Editor’s Note: I love fat people. But in January, I am more chubby than usual. Please do not accuse me of fat shaming.]


One thought on “why new year’s resolutions don’t work: a plan for birthday resolutions this Halloween season.

  1. Brooke, once again stuck In a delay while traveling for work and landed on your site for a pick me up. You made my night. If you’re ever in town , shoot me a message, I owe you a cup of coffee or two. Happy holidays, Sarah

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